i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
