just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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