I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
