I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
