I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
