grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
