she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
