i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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