my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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