I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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