I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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