Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
