she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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