The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
