as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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