I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
