Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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