I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
