mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
