Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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