The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Boobs speak an international language.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
