Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
