For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your penis caused this!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
