and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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