that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
