in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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