And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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