I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
