God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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