The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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