Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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