wat bout pragnant strippers??
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
