Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
