I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
