So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
