One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
