Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
