Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
