i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
