I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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