i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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