I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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