1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
