So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
