Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You left your phone here
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