I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
