im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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