every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
