I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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