Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
