I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
