Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
